[	mood	|	anxious	]
[	music	|	lost in the super market- the clash (aves shout out!)	]

oh, come on! you know you love it! :

I ____ Manda.
Manda is ____.
If I were alone in a room with Manda, I would _____.
I think Mander should _____.
Amanda needs _____.
I want to _____ Manderina.
Someday Amanda will _____.
Manda reminds me of a _____.
Without Amanda, I am _____.
Memories of Amanda are _____.
Manda can be _____.
The worst thing about the Mahnd is _____.
The best thing about Manda is _____.

FILL OUT, SLAZZIE FACE

----
 
( i am currently addicted to the sunday night sex show. )

----

art of the day:

ok, so i know ive been really lazy with my mass cultural exposure. but im just worn out. so here it is, the thing youve been missing most since being off of school : HOMEWORK.

well, not really. show me your favorite piece of art and tell me something about the artist. (i know a lot about art, but not everything. im getting jealous. i like to learn sometimes too.) i want to see what everyone else knows and i like to look at art. (awkward sentence) ok. so yeah. im excited.

---

on another note, my private life is only getting more complicated. i wish alex #1 wasnt so cryptic all the god damn time. and, well, the other alex isnt helping.

oh! and remind me to talk about ballet later, when i have more time.

k bye.

[

mood

|

tired

]

If there is one person you can't stop thinking about, post this same exact sentence in your journal.

wow. that makes me sad. i need to get out of the house.

ive been having bad food cravins. :(    i hate this.

[	mood	|	contemplative	]
[	music	|	mercy and kindness(courtesy of the deech)- pdi compelation	]

so it was a breakthrough... well, psychologically at least. i told alex that i need a break.

i feel weirdly calm right now.

i realized last night and tonight that the more i worry about wether or not i'm stringing him along, the more aggitated i become and the more i question every single thing i feel while i'm around him.

i dont even think it's that i dont love him anymore. i just need to be by myself. me and myself need to hang out more, become better friends.

alex has supported through a lot in the last year. i need to know that if those things come up again when i'm in a company that i can deal with them on my own. that i can be able to re focus.

i feel like a weight has been lifted.

[	mood	|	sore	]
[	music	|	run to the hills - iron maiden	]

hmm... perhaps it was watching "rockstar" on VH1 both last night and this afternoon,

 or the kitty singing thing lipsincing iron maiden on VH1, 

or all the ads for 100 greatest metal moments .... also on VH1.... or perhaps finding myself thinking about the unmnetionable ex-boyfriend (no, i was not day dreaming! i would NEVER!) ... or probably a mix of them all, but i have been in a metal mood all day. hence the choice of music. (oh god, i know. its so bad. i dont know what the world is comming to. thats why we should ... RUN TO THE HILLS... RUN FOR OUR LIIIIIIIIIIIIVES!)

 look! its me!

lord, it must be the apochalypse.

 ----

anyways, i went to see "saved" yesterday. it was the most amazing movie i've ever seen. it was frightening how many of the girls in that movie reminded me of the girls from ballet... *shivers*. i love them, but they are often too much to handle.

----

went to alex's tonight to pick up his calculator. tickle war. he tickled my pelvis, and i went into spasm. no joke. my entire pelvic region including pelvic floor have been in one gigantic knot since like 9:30 this evening. its relaxed a bit, but im still really sore. (i was afraid i was giving birth... even though that would make no sense.)

yeah, so no art of the day today. im too tired, drained, and in  pelvic shock to deal with fining some art. next time ill double up. salvador dali shout out to drew.

anyways,

ma kids, good finals (and studying) luck.

and                                                 -SCENE-

[	mood	|	optimistic	]
[	music	|	ocean breathes salty- mm	]

you truly are an over achieving science nerd with an amazing sense of humor. but thats why we love you.

so, i had this really intense conversation with matt denny last night about god and science. if you wish to read, click below.

( the philosophy that is matt denny )</font>

i would suggest skipping the first fourth or so i you want the real meat. i just think his auntie's lock was funny.

------

i saw darcie today. i've been feeling oddly at peace w/ this whole ballet thing tha last few weeks. (i think its probably b/c i wasnt there all last week... sinal infection). i feel like i have a control on my emotions about ballet finally. and its nice to not take everything about it so seriously.

began working on my new solo- diane and acteon. i love. constume = love. this will be fun. (might commission aves to make it)

art of the day

today i think im just going to go with an old classic. hey, what can i say? i fell in love with it (ha!) when i first saw it in a museum and have a print of it hanging right to the up-left of my head.

picasso's "the lovers"

what more is there to say but that it is simplistically beautiful and sweetly realistic.

you can now call yourself "cultured". (anthony d. would be proud)

hahahahhaha! i am forever cursed by bodie's book choices!

You're A Prayer for Owen Meany!

by John Irving

Despite humble and perhaps literally small beginnings, you inspire
faith in almost everyone you know. You are an agent of higher powers, and you manifest
this fact in mysterious and loud ways. A sense of destiny pervades your every waking
moment, and you prepare with great detail for destiny fulfilled. When you speak, IT
SOUNDS LIKE THIS!


Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

that's just tooooo ironic!

You're Texas!

You aren't really much of your own person, but everyone around
you wishes you'd go away, so you might as well be independent.  You're
sort of loud-mouthed and abrasive, but you do have a fair amount of power.  You
like big trucks, big cattle, and big oil rigs.  And sometimes you really
smell.  But it's not all bad, you're big enough to have some soft spots
somewhere in all that redneck madness.
Take the Country
Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

that's just depressing

yeah, so this weekend was packed full of fun i never should have gotten away with.
1. the parents weren't home
2. Alex spent the night friday night.... and i bought jessica simpson's dessert edible body mousse in vanilla caramel.
3. prom... which was depressing. but after prom... well, i will post about after prom when i have time for pictures and explainations.

art of the day

dedicated to the ballet that my teacher is choreographing for or summer performance that is based on one of his paintings, the art of the day is... (drum roll)

Edgar Degas' "The Tub"

yeah, so i know that these aren't ballerinas dancing around, but i really like this painting. Edgar Degas, a leading figure in the impressionist movement, is most famous for his paintings of the Paris Opera Ballet. his paintings of ballerinas are usually in class, or during the time spent not dancing. his colors and lightness of stroke are quite lovely. i would recommend looking for mors of his stuff.

consider yourself cultured.

so the performance it over...

it went really well, especially my solo. (take that ms. swarthout. hahaha)

everyone looked beautiful as always, and it was a lot of fun. when i went out to greet the audience, i heard a ton of praise and it sounded like they really enjoyed our dancing.

it was weird, but the performing part felt a lot different this time. usually i get nervous and, while i enjoy myself, i am afraid tha i'll mess up and that the audience will think that i look bad and compare me to the other girls. this time i wasn't very nervous at all once i got on stage. i actually loved it. i loved knowing they were watching me and i loved dancing for them. i felt so grateful to be able to express my love for humanity and to give my most precious gift to everyone in the audience out of my love for them. (woah! i just got UBER girl's group- not the one at school but the semi- spiritual one i'm a part of. i sound like a hippie freak... well i am in a way)

um... i have some pictures from the show (their all a little awkward b/c the photographer didn't really know when to take the picture so that he got the finished image, but thats ok) so ill try to post them at some point.

also, i stopped by that redwood party thing. i didnt like it. i think ive just grown out of my "i need to party" phase. the whole thing made me feel gross and like i was wasting my time. i just didn't want to be a ditzy drunk girl who gigles loudly, screams when she sees her friend, gets lost in the big groupage of people, get groped by some gross ghetto-esque guy she's never met, and then get vicariously pushed in the pool. besides, all there was to drink was berr, which i just cant do, and everything smelled like stale spilled beer, another thing i just cant deal with. however, i did like when the guy got pushed in the pool particualrly b/c it was my boyfriends friend who, dare i say, kind of deserved it.

my boyfriend is so cute! i love him! yay! .... (sorry, i'm done)

art of the day:

this art of the day is dedicated to one mr. buckworth ellison for an all-nighter (well, all night until 11) date w/ borders:

simon and jessica in the pool by nan goldin

from her new book devil's playground

i found her mini series in devil's playground on simon and jessica to be particularly beautiful. her newest theme is taking pictures of couple's lovemaking, which can be both beautiful, as with simon and jessica, or slightly frightening, as with all the older couples. unfortunatly i couldn't get the other images in the "simon and jessica" seires that were seeable, but it is definately worth checking out the book because they were particualrly beautiful. there are also many other interesting, complelling, and disturbing photos in the book that i really liked.

ps. feel better grant! <3

[	mood	|	tired	]
[	music	|	on my way- ben kweller (i know, b. kwell overload)	]

... i wish

tech rehearsal = hell on earth

i almost bitch slapped ms swarthout today. (naughty amanda)                                     i was suprised at how unsupportive she can be

i broke down three times today... well i guess four

this is going to be one hell of a performance.

and, for all you anonymous commenter who like to call me ignorant:

art of the day:

some more baroque. (maybe you could start learning the trends of baroque art so that you can learn to recognize it the next time you decide to call something not baroque when it really is)

david and goliath by caravaggio

caravaggio was one of the leading figures in the baroque art movement in italy. i think his artwork is very interesting because he often used his own face in his paintings, something completely unseen in the art of his time unless in self portrait. his face is included in his paintings of bacchus, the boy with the lyre (i dont think thats the actual name), and as the head of medusa. i personally think that his work is the beginning of the shift from a focus on scenes of people and biblical scenes to art as something personal and refelxive of the self. but, i could be wrong.

for more on baroque art (cough, cough, douche who called me ignoratn, cough, cough), please visit:

http://www.huntfor.com/arthistory/c17th-18th/baroque.htm

you have been officially cultured... especially the douche who called me ignorant.

[	mood	|	cynical	]
[	music	|	b. kwell is stuck in my head	]

you know you're beginning to PMS when:

- even the thought of the "Elephant Man" gets you very teary eyed

You know you're currently PMSing when:

- almost cry at the end of the death cab concert

- you cry over an AP test and then get in a huge argument with your boyfriend about it

- you ball over the thought of a future without ava (next year) and even worse a future without your other friends and your boyfriend (the year after next).

- you get really really angry with yourself for being a bitch to jeff over lj... even though you thought he kinda deserved it

- you almost cry in ballet rehearsal because you realize its the last rehearsal in the studio before the show

- you almost cry when listening to ben kweller, and then come even closer when you have it stuck in your head at home

- you get really really angry at yourself for losing your precalc book ( that one should be a blessing)

- you almost cry because you think your cat has a tape worm

- you almost cry because your boyfriend gets mad that you forgot to tell him you were going to eat dinner before calling him to have him pick you up

- when you usually aren't as emo as the aforementioned occurences

art of the day:

its time to get baroque!

vermeer ... i dont know the name (i'm so bad w/ painting names. its sad. god i hope i dont cry)

i loved the movie "the girl with a pearl earring" or as ava and i call it "tony, george, will, ava, pete, and evelyn" (or something to that extent). it was so visually beautiful. it looked like vermeer's painting come to life. <3

consider yourself cultured.

jeff, formal lj apology. i didn't mean to call you an asshole if that's how it sounded. it just hurt my feelings...

(wow, i'm feeling emo tonight!)

P.S.:

MY PERFORMANCE IS SATURDAY! YAY! 1:00 AND 5:00 AT THE MARIN COUNTY JCC! IF YOU WISH TO SEE THE EVER LOVELY AND ALWAYS TALENTED AMANDA LOWE PERFORM HER AMAZING DANCING TRICKS, CALL THE MARIN DANCE THEATER FOR TICKETS. (NOTE: THE 1:00 PERFORMANCE IS AMANDA'S BETTER PERFORMANCE) (ALSO NOTE: I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE MADE THIS ANNOUNCEMENT A LOT EARLIER IN THE WEEK... OR MONTH. WHY AM I STILL IN CAPS?)

[	mood	|	aggravated	]
[	music	|	Precious- Cap N' Jazz	]

that mood is actually an unfair representation. its only b/c i got in an unnecissary fight w/ alex just now that im aggravated. before i was fine.

anthony (pilatese master magician) + darcie (sports therapy kid wonder) = slightly more motivated and much more optimistic amanda

as the exponent of anthony and the exponent of darcie increase, both amanda's motivation and optimism should increase accordingly.

is it so wrong to feel insecure? why is it that calling alex to ask how he feels about our relationship (esp. considering i haven't had a decent conversation with him all week, he was really upset at the beginning of the week and took it out on me- apologizing later for it of course, and asked me the same question just last sunday if i have my days right) makes him assume that i am mad and am never ok with things being good and yells into the phone as though i am yelling at him?

i shouldn't have just posted that. he is not an asshole, don't get defensive and try to back me up please.

oh, and on that subject...

this weeks wonder comment from jeff jew:

yesterday, jeff jew told me that my boyfriend was an asshole because jeff claims he overheard alex say some mean things to people at a party of mine once. now jeff, isn't that just a touch hypacritical?

art of the day:

today's art of the day is dedicated to my history project + doug woodbrown who is indeed leaving our school next year. * single tear for reals*

vaca by andy warhol

known to many by his infamous motifs (celebrities, car wrecks, sex, brand names/products, remixes of other peoples art work, and more) andy is often not considered an artist by his peers... including my father. a leading figure of both pop art and the use of the silk screen (i know, ava!), andy proved that an artist need not be invested in his art in order to make it and please his audience, which was much the way he felt about the mass media of the 1960s. his careless inkings, uneven layerings of color, and repetition of images was only his reproduction of what he felt about the news and the media in the 60's : bombarded. hmm... not much has changed...

perhaps i should have put pessamistic or sarcastic... or sadistically sarcastic as my mood.

[	mood	|	uncomfortable	]
[	music	|	son of God - bright eyes	]

yeah, so i hate boys. i thought i was ove "it" but it turns out i'm not. it sucks. i just found out that "it" likes bright eyes. i was hoping bright eyes could be my sacred music w/ out any of  "it"'s influence, just something for me and alex, but i guess not. god fucking damn it! i hate this so much! he needs to go away so i can stop doubting myself about who i am and about who i'm with! fuck!

the art of the day is in keeping w/ the theme above as well as the unwanted theme of jesus in my life.

my moment of the day with jesus:

so i was sitting in the dressing room w/ a couple of the girls from ballet and we were talking about one of our dances. jesse, who is dancing the part of Blanca, a light dance dressed all in white, said that she talked to our teacher who choreographed it and the teacher said that Blanca was supposed to be the bride and the virginal one. jesse said that made sense and that the other parts are more sultry. of course the girls continued the conversation saying that blanca was the pure on and the others were sinners. at the end of the dance we all kneel on the floor and the part of blanca ends with her arm up looking up while everyone else kinda lies down. this is the best part of the conversation! one of the girls, stacia, said that blanca ends up and says "i'm married and pure and you all are going to hell!" they all laughed! i couldn't speak.

i have anxiety dreams that the girls at ballet will find out im not a virgin and hate me and tried to exorcise and show me "the way to jesus". i actually had one last night...

i almost screamed! how fucking ignorant of them. i feel like they say things like that particualarly when i'm around to try to convince me that i need to go to church.

i did get a good laugh out of it when i told my friend elizabeth about it. she yelped and was in shock for like 2 minutes until we both burst out laughing. and i just kept saying "they can never find out, elizabeth. they can never find out."

i love hiding myself from people.

so, thank you jesus, but most importantly christianity, for being the constatnt reminder that i can never be as close as i wish i could to those girls.

art of the day:

there's actually 2 today. one in honor of ballet and one for "it"

both paintings are the brilliant works of salvator dali. im sorry but i don't know the names of either. his work is so powerful because of the realistic images set in a surreal world.

this art of the day brought to you by "it", ava, and the mars volta who made me laugh at "it".

[	mood	|	drained	]
[	music	|	well, i have my cocoa by stellastarr* stuck in my head.	]

today was very emotionally draining. i don't think i could possibly vent or speak about my feelings anymore, not even on my lj. not only did i have an appointment w/ my therapist, i also had like 2 long ass ballet talks with my parents. phew, i need to sleep.

dont pay attention to this, its a thing i have to do for therapy:

mission statement/ self affrimation

I dance because it allows me to be myself; to explore my body and my self. Dance connects me to the universe while releasing me from the insecurities, constraints, and walls of life. Dancing bring me life, frees me, allows me to love myself. Through dance I am able ti fully experience the love of the universe, within and without me.

sorry bout that.

art of the day:

the kiss, by Rodin. Rodin is best known for his statue of  the thinker, but i personally found this to be more beautiful and moving. If you get the chance to see it in person, it is amazing.

consider yourself cultured.

[	mood	|	giggly	]
[	music	|	yeah - usher	]

thursday, april 15:

i went to the farmer's market w/ amanda (no, not me amanda) and her friends summer, molly, and megan. i ran into an old friend jess and then in a whirlwind like 50 people (well really 3) out of my past came up to us as we spoke. first, matt lewis, who i was friends w/ and had a huge crush on way back in the day. then hunter, my old best friend's ex-boyfriend, who then invited over my ex-boyfriend from like 8th grade. it was so intense. i got really overwhelmed b/c i was like mid sentence. they all watched me while i was talking. i felt like a zoo monkey. ee! ee!

we then went to an sr party. it was amazing. not only were we singing 2Gether drunk on the way there, but we also dance partied it up at the party w/ both yeah by usher and hey mama by black eyed peas. and you know i did the weird fast booty wiggle that the girls from black eyed peas does through out the entire video. we had a rocking good time. summer is some funny shit.

                    you           plus sign             me              equals sign              us      

                   U                   +                   ME                    =                     US

friday, april 16:

sofia and i went to see Kill Bill Vol. 2. we had fun. but i think the most amazing part had to be going to 711. we stood @ my car for like 10 minutes while i tried to find my keys to unlock the doors. a man walked over to sofia, he was obviously intoxicated, and asked her "hey! did i meet you tonight?" and she was like "what?! no!" *smile* then he walked over to his friend at the pay phone (i found my keys at this point) and talked to him. they walked down the street (i started up the car) and the 1st drunk guy fell over. as we passed them in my car, the friend stood in the middle of the road w/ a come hither motion in his hand. i think he thought we were a hooker taxi.

-fin-

monday, april 12:

i got stoned with alex and his punk ass friend D. we sat in alex's car and listened to the volta for 20 minutes. i love that cd with every inch of my being but it wasn't until this night that i fully experienced it. it was great.

wednesday, april 14 (aka most amazing night EVER):

this was the most intesnse night of my life. it was a complete culmination of all the things i hate and love beacuase i hate them.

i sat in aroma cafe waiting for alex to get out of the bathroom. there was a man of middle eastern discent siiting in front of me in one of the many comfy chairs strategically placed around the room. he was cute, but had an awful unibrow. he kept looking at me. im sure i blushed. he was reading from a book with arabic letters on it and taking notes.

my attention was deffered by a loud conversation between two men to the left of me. they too were sitting in comfy chairs. one man looked as though he had just woken up. he was in his 20s and wore a flannel jacket with grey sweatpants. his partner in crim was a blonde older man, i would say 30 something, and wore a suite. the suite wasn't fitting; he seemed uncomfortable in it. he crossed his left leg over his right so that one foot rested on opposing knee. the bottom of the pantleg was torn like an old pair of jeans. he must had a crappy job but wanted to look like he was doing something important with his life. perhaps he had just gone to and interview. he said "yeah, i've been writting some, but it comes in spurts you know. this thing has been helping me though."

"i know what you mean," said the grey sweatpants wearing philosopher. "i usually get in to zone though and just write..." he paused. the jobless (well, i bet they're both "between jobs") man made and awkward bolt for a table in front of them. there was a manilla folder with an unorganized pile of papers in it. he pulled out some blank lined paper and scribbled something onto it. the paper was passed the the philosopher. he responded with something on the paper and said "that was nice man." the paper was passed back and forth. i lost interest as alex came out of the bathroom.

i got up to get alex some icecubes for his tea and as i passed the table behind us i noticed both men were intesely focused. i looked down on the table. there, before my eyes was a rivetting game of Magice, the Gathering. i was in utter shock.

as i returned to the table, the jobless sloppy man left and the young philosopher began rearranging the comfy chairs and couches. people began filling in, sitting expectantly on the new arrangement. i instantly noticed the chunky bald middleaged man dressed fully in black with dork rimmed glasses and the girl with black hair, skirt, tights, and converse who was trying to hid in her red sweatchirt and was bouncing off the walls. " what is going on?" i asked alex. he could only shrug.

then, as a sign from god, grey sweatpants boy place both a microphone and an amp on a table and said "test, 1, 2, test." and i knew deep in my soul what this unusual gathering was. an open mic.

the blad man designated himself as mr. mc and started the night off reading his new age, moonlit, foresty, thorny, chalicy poetry. next came the bouncy girl, introduced to us as an amazing poet by mr. new age mc. and, as i guessed, she read her mellodramatic repetative teen girl poetry, trying hard to sound cryptic and wise beyond her years. then, the moment i was waiting for came and passed quickly. grey sweatpants walked up to the mic, introduced himself and stood there, staring at the floor. he mouthed something to himself, and, in bewilderment, said "im not ready, can someone else go please. its not time yet." he sat down in a chair in the corner, sulking a bit.

at that time alex had had about enough.

"amanda," he said, "i can't take this. that girl is driving me crazy and this poetry is crap." (we were thinking the same thing.) "can we go?"

we left aroma, and i was a little sad. but i will never forget that there is open mic every wed. at aroma.

art for the day (as in response to seth's lyric of the day)

i had a hard time picking this one, especially considering i couldn't find the painting i wanted originally... nor the photograph. but here you go. (i love this one too.)

you have been cultured.

i have spent the past 20 min. trying to find alex b's (f.) lj, but have found nothing. please help. i miss her dearly and need to talk to her about special ed people/stuff.

alex (m.) tried to read my lj today. it was really awful. i practically had to wrestle him away from the computer before he got to my entry where i posted about my ex- still to be unnamed fetal crush. (dude, what the hell is it w/ me and fetuses. the other day i called my friend julai one. i was also not all there and me vision was impared, but she did look like one. i hope i didnt offend her. i think she was too busy laughing.) it was scary. im getting paranoid. i might make this frineds only. hell, who the fuck am i kidding? no one reads my lj anyways.

i'v decided that i want to dress like im from the 50s every day. perhaps its that ive seen grease like 4  times in the past week, thanks to VH1, or TL's swing dance, or my rediscovery of my vintage dresses, but i feel so womanly when i dress like i have curves. hmm... perhaps i shall try. besides, nothing is hotter than a pin-up.

lets see... i tried to draw mushrooms for our first srg. sparkle fetus line, but im afriad they just look like a clumb of penii. im afraid people will be like "oh, its cute. but do i really want a penis shirt?" that would be bad.

yeah, so i need to go to bed and this post was half assed. if poepl actually read my lj, i might be more inspired to write good posts, but i feel uninteresting as of late. i will bitch about ballet soon enough, there's just too much about that area right now that i can't process anything.

-fin-

 for ava:

i went to wallgreens this evening and they were playing no song other than "midnight at the oasis." it was just as bad as the soulsilito version.

mulholland drive is really getting to me. there was this older man standing outside of wallgreens (above mentioned trip) and he looked like the troll yeti man, only not brown. his hair was long and all tangled. it was creepy. he watched me walk to my car and watched me drive away....             ok, so it was 11:00, i was alone, and i have been thinking about the movie alot, so i probably just made up that he was creepy and im sure he was only watching me b/c i was watching him... im just weirded out.

today has been an odd one, leaving me to feel not really anything. empty. but not sad im so depressed empty. just empty.

i went to the city w/ a couple of girls from ballet. we were going to see serenade but we missed it. it was my fault, and i know they knew it, but neither mentioned that i was late to meeting them. the entire time i was with them i just felt... nothing. i guess i had fun, i couldn't really tell you. just nothing. and when i came home, it felt like nothing had happened; like it was some sort of empty dream.

i finished mulholland drive tonight. i didnt understand it at all. but i loved it, in a twisted way. well, i feel like part of me understands it. when i think about the troll with the blue box, i feel an understanding. however, there was so much symbolism left unexplained. i tried to find explainations online, but no one gave a sufficient analysis, leaving me with questions. :

like, why does the troll appear to the crazy dream man in the beginning and then have the blue box in the end as well as appear in the very end when diane dies? and who was the crazy dream man? (im sorry that picture is so big... its a little gross)

and, is the movie a reflection of betty/diane or of rita/diane/camilla? why were they lesbians?

who is he, why is he so feeble yet have so much power, and why is he always so alone?

why does this camilla kiss the real/second camilla in the end? and why do they force adam to cast her?

what was the whole club silencio thing? why were they crying? why did betty have a seizure? why did the singer die? why did this woman reappear at the very end? what is the obvious significance of the color blue?

is david lynch insane or a genius? was this just his free artistic expression, unveiling some unconciousness, without having an actual explaination for any of the symbolism except that it's what he felt?

i dont think i can find pictures for the rest of my questions. i read a lot of stuff about it being some betty/diane freudian dream thing, but i think there's more to it than that. maybe i need to see more lynch movies. i dont know.

i really liked it however. when i think particulalry about the singer in club silencio and the blue box, i feel like i have some sort of understanding. it kind of scares me.

im proud of my brain. i found out that i might have post traumatic stress disorder. not legally, but...

mere mentioned times w/ the unmentionables (ie: my ex-boyfrind and her semi ex-boyfriend/ my ex-boyfriend's friend) and i didn't remember it. thank you psychology for erasing bits of my memory that aren't worth remembering. now, if only i could forget all of the end of freshmen year up to the beginning of sophomore year and completely erase the unmentionables, that would be amazing!

-fin-

this one will be brief, but i feel i must add:

tonight was the 3rd time in one week i have seen the hot indie boy. i hope its a sign.

i changed my bandages (and washed my hands for the first time in 2 days) tonight. the ring finger on my left hand is like one big blister. its yummy.

alex and i opened the joint up today. it has like dried grass in it. we think its a fake that someone was trying to pass off as real. the only question is: who's dealing drugs in my bedroom?

ive officially decided that i am going to be a principle dancer and nothing's going to stop me.

oh, i also officially decided that i should have gotten my vicadin perscription filled instead of using up the rest of my mom's. i enjoyed it a little too much.