mahnd

i told myself i would never, but its just soo good.

Sat, 12 Jun 2004 09:44:47 GMT

oh, come on! you know you love it! :

I ____ Manda.
Manda is ____.
If I were alone in a room with Manda, I would _____.
I think Mander should _____.
Amanda needs _____.
I want to _____ Manderina.
Someday Amanda will _____.
Manda reminds me of a _____.
Without Amanda, I am _____.
Memories of Amanda are _____.
Manda can be _____.
The worst thing about the Mahnd is _____.
The best thing about Manda is _____.

FILL OUT, SLAZZIE FACE

----

things i have learned from snss:

1) canadian men can not sound manly. it has to be the most unflattering, unmanly accent ever. im sorry, canadian men, but thats one accent that wont get you laid.

2) sex seems infinitely more funny and bizarre when old women talk about it

3) sue is my unsung hero

4) snss is infinately more bizarre the more and more i realize sue looks like my ballet coach, making coaching sessions a touch awkward

5) people generally have very little knowledege about sex :(

----

art of the day:

ok, so i know ive been really lazy with my mass cultural exposure. but im just worn out. so here it is, the thing youve been missing most since being off of school : HOMEWORK.

well, not really. show me your favorite piece of art and tell me something about the artist. (i know a lot about art, but not everything. im getting jealous. i like to learn sometimes too.) i want to see what everyone else knows and i like to look at art. (awkward sentence) ok. so yeah. im excited.

---

on another note, my private life is only getting more complicated. i wish alex #1 wasnt so cryptic all the god damn time. and, well, the other alex isnt helping.

oh! and remind me to talk about ballet later, when i have more time.

k bye.

courtesy of the amazing alyssa diaz

Mon, 07 Jun 2004 22:16:51 GMT

If there is one person you can't stop thinking about, post this same exact sentence in your journal.

wow. that makes me sad. i need to get out of the house.

ive been having bad food cravins. :( i hate this.

.... well, at least i'm no longer passive

Sat, 05 Jun 2004 08:32:40 GMT

so it was a breakthrough... well, psychologically at least. i told alex that i need a break.

i feel weirdly calm right now.

i realized last night and tonight that the more i worry about wether or not i'm stringing him along, the more aggitated i become and the more i question every single thing i feel while i'm around him.

i dont even think it's that i dont love him anymore. i just need to be by myself. me and myself need to hang out more, become better friends.

alex has supported through a lot in the last year. i need to know that if those things come up again when i'm in a company that i can deal with them on my own. that i can be able to re focus.

i feel like a weight has been lifted.

watch out! amanda's head banging!

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 07:19:14 GMT

hmm... perhaps it was watching "rockstar" on VH1 both last night and this afternoon,

or the kitty singing thing lipsincing iron maiden on VH1,

or all the ads for 100 greatest metal moments .... also on VH1.... or perhaps finding myself thinking about the unmnetionable ex-boyfriend (no, i was not day dreaming! i would NEVER!) ... or probably a mix of them all, but i have been in a metal mood all day. hence the choice of music. (oh god, i know. its so bad. i dont know what the world is comming to. thats why we should ... RUN TO THE HILLS... RUN FOR OUR LIIIIIIIIIIIIVES!)

look! its me!

lord, it must be the apochalypse.

----

anyways, i went to see "saved" yesterday. it was the most amazing movie i've ever seen. it was frightening how many of the girls in that movie reminded me of the girls from ballet... *shivers*. i love them, but they are often too much to handle.

----

went to alex's tonight to pick up his calculator. tickle war. he tickled my pelvis, and i went into spasm. no joke. my entire pelvic region including pelvic floor have been in one gigantic knot since like 9:30 this evening. its relaxed a bit, but im still really sore. (i was afraid i was giving birth... even though that would make no sense.)

yeah, so no art of the day today. im too tired, drained, and in pelvic shock to deal with fining some art. next time ill double up. salvador dali shout out to drew.

anyways,

ma kids, good finals (and studying) luck.

and -SCENE-

oh, matt denny

Tue, 25 May 2004 06:24:50 GMT

you truly are an over achieving science nerd with an amazing sense of humor. but thats why we love you.

so, i had this really intense conversation with matt denny last night about god and science. if you wish to read, click below.

Google123: lets see...do you have anything thats valuable that weighs less than your cell phone? do you have a cell phone?
mahnderina: i do have a cell phone
mahnderina: and i have a ring of my grand mothers thats more valuable and weighs less
Google123: ooh, saucy
mahnderina: also, avas char braceletta is in my possesion
Google123: i thought of it because im looking at this really old lock
mahnderina: woah
Google123: my great aunt gave to me
Google123: and i know nothing about it
Google123: only that its primitive as far as lokcs go
mahnderina: why did she give you a lock?
Google123: i mean the key is just a thing yuou push in a hole
Google123: its really cool
Google123: she had one
Google123: and decided to give it to me
Google123: you know how old people are...
Google123: always giving you things
Google123: well they give me things...
mahnderina: hahahaha
Google123: so now im really curious
mahnderina: but was it like a big present to-do thing
Google123: if this is a flubdub
Google123: or a tight like mayan lock
mahnderina: or just like random
Google123: no it was like "look at this, neat huh?
mahnderina: ok, good
Google123: its in the shape of an animal
mahnderina: i was worried it was like all wrapped up
Google123: and the tail is the thing that locks
mahnderina: what animal?
Google123: i cant really tell; a wildcat maybe?
mahnderina: how spirited
mahnderina: ooo! maybe the secret to the lock
mahnderina: will unlock some hidden mysteries
Google123: how cool would that be if it weas a myustery
mahnderina: about MA
Google123: but as far as i know all it does is open and close
mahnderina: and your great aunt is/ was a psychic witch
Google123: i want to know if its like antique or from a guatemalan street vendor
Google123: she is sorta spiritual
mahnderina: who knew you would need it once you got to MA
Google123: in a weird but good way
mahnderina: hahaha
Google123: do you believe an anything supernatural?
Google123: or are you religious?
mahnderina: im kind of religious... but not in the xtian sense
mahnderina: i kind of believe in supernatural things
mahnderina: it depends on what
Google123: well im a straight scientist in the sense that i feel that there is a perfectly logical explanation to everything
Google123: well its hard to say
Google123: to someone who is not like me
Google123: so ill just ignore that comment...
Google123: moving on...
mahnderina: no, get that
mahnderina: *i get that
mahnderina: i used to be that way
Google123: until?
mahnderina: well, i still am
mahnderina: i still think that science is right
mahnderina: but i do beileve in some form of god
Google123: okay
mahnderina: yes
Google123: well
Google123: i dont know how you feel about this
Google123: but ill say it anyways
Google123: because i started the story
mahnderina: sounds good
Google123: so she analyzed my handwriting...
Google123: ...and she started telling me about myself
Google123: in a sorta spiritual way
Google123: and her daughter (my moms cousin) is the same way
Google123: she uses my characteristics to infer more about me
Google123: but more than infer, its like telling me about my soul and stuff
Google123: so what i was going to say was that, as much as i think its hogwash
mahnderina: yeah
Google123: for some reason i am very comforted by the things they say
Google123: same with just street psychics
Google123: and palm readers
Google123: i mean, deep down i sorta feel like theyre full of shit, but on a certain level i love to hear what they have to say
Google123: i dont know if its more of a "story-teller" to "listener" relationship
mahnderina: i think there is some truth behind like palm readings and tarot and astrology
Google123: or a "spiritual guidance person" to "spirit" relationship
mahnderina: and tea readings
Google123: whats tea readings
mahnderina: and handwritting readings
mahnderina: where you drink some tea and there are like some leaves left in it
mahnderina: and then the leaves are left in some shape in the bottom
mahnderina: and the shape means something
Google123: see stuff like tarot gives me this warm fuzzy, but it doesnt make sense to me. handwriting makes more sense.
Google123: but it doesnt give me the warm fuzzy
mahnderina: see, i believe in fate
Google123: its almost like, the things i "know" dont work...its like i WANT them to work
Google123: like i wish there were supernatural entities
mahnderina: because i believe in the idea of a collective self
mahnderina: which is god or what evs
Google123: whats this collective self
Google123: of whic you speak
mahnderina: like that all souls are connected and are part of a greater single soul
mahnderina: and so everyone and everything is connected
Google123: thats something i want to be true, but i guess ive just developed the idea that it isnt
Google123: i dont know...wild stuff
Google123: i love thinking about it though
Google123: and i usually am up for paying for a reading of any sort
mahnderina: see, its weird
mahnderina: i used to think it wasnt true
mahnderina: but i do now
mahnderina: but, i still think there is logic and science
mahnderina: i think theres a reason to why we discovered evolution
mahnderina: i believe we were given "creation" stories to deal with the idea of pre non-existance until we were developed enough as a species to find out the truth
mahnderina: but i think that evoltion was destined
Google123: i love the idea of destiny
Google123: i havent decided if i believe it
Google123: the thing is if i were to believe it, my belief would be scientifically based
Google123: like the way i see it, if molecules are moving, colliding, reacting, etc
Google123: then what is conscience?
mahnderina: ballet is really the only reason in it, and my only proof
Google123: i mean are we actually telling molecules to move in a cetain way
Google123: or are we just living out what the big bang started
Google123: the molecules happened to align this way
mahnderina: well, i mean, if you are going to relate it to a molecular level.. then i guess i do think they were destined as well, in a way
mahnderina: b/c they have their own systems
Google123: well the way i see it is that anything that happens is the result of a previous event, so conscience doesnt make sense
Google123: i have a book ive been meaning to read
Google123: called "introducing conscience"
Google123: but its too techinical
mahnderina: but i feel like there are so many opportunities so why does one even happen the way it does?
Google123: that was a star trek episode
Google123: all these parallel universes accidentally joined
Google123: each universe is the way it happened slightly differently
Google123: so instead of one thing happene,d everything possible happened
Google123: do you know about schroedingers cat?
Google123: i dont know how to spell it
mahnderina: no, i dont
mahnderina: inform me
Google123: theres this idea
Google123: that
Google123: basically if you dont know which of several options has occured
Google123: they all did
Google123: and the example is this cat...
Google123: i dont remember specifics...
Google123: but you put a cat in a box
Google123: totally enclosed
Google123: with like a few chemicals
Google123: and if the cat pushes a lever
Google123: it dies
Google123: otherwise it lives
Google123: but we, outside the container
Google123: dont know if the cat is alive or dead
Google123: so -- this is actually a scientific theory i think -- we assume the cat is BOTH alive and dead
Google123: at the same time
mahnderina: woah
Google123: and by opening the box, we force one of these possibilities tobecome a reality
mahnderina: do you ever open it tocheck?
mahnderina: i see
Google123: well thats the thing
Google123: if you open it and find a dead cat
Google123: you cant say the cat died earlier
mahnderina: but those are all just possibilities
Google123: the cat was still both alive and dead
Google123: until you opened it
mahnderina: yeah
Google123: i have a lot of reading i wanted to do
Google123: theres also an issue of sci am that is all about the big bang
Google123: and what existed, if anything, before the big bang
mahnderina: but, back to the cat
Google123: sorry yes
mahnderina: see, we dont know what happened to the cat, but the cat does
mahnderina: the cat still had its own destiny and either pulled the lever when it was time or didnt
Google123: then its almost like parallel universes there; i mean with the cat, everything outside the box happens
Google123: EVERYTHING happens
mahnderina: but i think that it doesnt mtter
mahnderina: whether we know what happens to it
mahnderina: or it knows
mahnderina: becasue the only real manifestation of humanity we can fully explore and expirience is ourselves
mahnderina: we all have a purpose on this earth and effect the people around us and inturn effect others we aren't even around
Google123: so...in a sense the only reality is what we make for ourselves...or did i just pull that out of my ass?
mahnderina: no, yeah
Google123: no yeah
Google123: thats awesome
mahnderina: because you basically make choices through out the day
mahnderina: and the choices you make effect your perception of how effective or full of life the day was
Google123: see but im skeptical that we make choices because i cant see how, if these molecules are moving a certain way, it could have happened any other way
mahnderina: and so life becomes what you chose it to be to some extent
mahnderina: wait, what do you mena
mahnderina: *mean?
mahnderina: like we chose for the molecules?
Google123: no i mean...so youre in chem right
Google123: so for molecules to interact, they have to collide "just so"
Google123: right?
mahnderina: yeah
Google123: so i mean how do we make decisions? we cant tell molecules where to go an how to orient themselves
Google123: so it seems to me like
Google123: molecules are interacting
Google123: and they coincedentally
Google123: formed us
Google123: and we coincedentally perceive conscioussness
Google123: because thats how the molecules of the universe happened to become oriented
mahnderina: yes... but doesnt it seem odd that, in a system that relies heavily on the idea of entropy there is a system
mahnderina: that there are only certain molecules
mahnderina: instead of infinate
mahnderina: that the atoms have to be just right and shift themselves to do so in order to bond
mahnderina: that the molecules have to collide just right in order to interact
Google123: its so bizarre that, when the universe was "born" everything was made out of the same stuff basically
Google123: and now we have this...
mahnderina: yeah
Google123: stuff clumped together
Google123: and now we are discussing it
Google123: made out of the same stuff that was around billions of years ago
Google123: oriented properly
mahnderina: and perhaps the collective self is just the undertsanding that billions of years ago, everything that is was all one mass of the same stuff
mahnderina: because, if you read about jungian psychology, it is believed that we undertsand and carry the understandings of our ancestors
Google123: ooh
mahnderina: similarly we still have the natural protective insticts of out ancestoral animal like humans and even to when we were monkeys
mahnderina: then why wouldnt we still feel the pull and understaning that we were all one with all matter oce
mahnderina: *once
Google123: i need to buy waking life because when i start talking about this stuff it makes me want to watch it again and again
mahnderina: waking life?
Google123: you havent seen it?
mahnderina: no, i havent
Google123: can we see it together please?
Google123: i beg of you
mahnderina: yes!
mahnderina: i was just going to suggest that
mahnderina: ok matt denny
mahnderina: its a date
Google123: ooh, a date
mahnderina: :-*
Google123: :-P

i would suggest skipping the first fourth or so i you want the real meat. i just think his auntie's lock was funny.

------

i saw darcie today. i've been feeling oddly at peace w/ this whole ballet thing tha last few weeks. (i think its probably b/c i wasnt there all last week... sinal infection). i feel like i have a control on my emotions about ballet finally. and its nice to not take everything about it so seriously.

began working on my new solo- diane and acteon. i love. constume = love. this will be fun. (might commission aves to make it)

art of the day

today i think im just going to go with an old classic. hey, what can i say? i fell in love with it (ha!) when i first saw it in a museum and have a print of it hanging right to the up-left of my head.

picasso's "the lovers"

what more is there to say but that it is simplistically beautiful and sweetly realistic.

you can now call yourself "cultured". (anthony d. would be proud)

Thu, 20 May 2004 06:03:48 GMT

hahahahhaha! i am forever cursed by bodie's book choices!

You're A Prayer for Owen Meany!

by John Irving

Despite humble and perhaps literally small beginnings, you inspire
faith in almost everyone you know. You are an agent of higher powers, and you manifest
this fact in mysterious and loud ways. A sense of destiny pervades your every waking
moment, and you prepare with great detail for destiny fulfilled. When you speak, IT
SOUNDS LIKE THIS!

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

that's just tooooo ironic!

You're Texas!

You aren't really much of your own person, but everyone around
you wishes you'd go away, so you might as well be independent. You're
sort of loud-mouthed and abrasive, but you do have a fair amount of power. You
like big trucks, big cattle, and big oil rigs. And sometimes you really
smell. But it's not all bad, you're big enough to have some soft spots
somewhere in all that redneck madness.
Take the Country
Quiz at the Blue Pyramid

that's just depressing

yeah, so this weekend was packed full of fun i never should have gotten away with.
1. the parents weren't home
2. Alex spent the night friday night.... and i bought jessica simpson's dessert edible body mousse in vanilla caramel.
3. prom... which was depressing. but after prom... well, i will post about after prom when i have time for pictures and explainations.

art of the day

dedicated to the ballet that my teacher is choreographing for or summer performance that is based on one of his paintings, the art of the day is... (drum roll)

Edgar Degas' "The Tub"

yeah, so i know that these aren't ballerinas dancing around, but i really like this painting. Edgar Degas, a leading figure in the impressionist movement, is most famous for his paintings of the Paris Opera Ballet. his paintings of ballerinas are usually in class, or during the time spent not dancing. his colors and lightness of stroke are quite lovely. i would recommend looking for mors of his stuff.

consider yourself cultured.

and ...scene!

Mon, 10 May 2004 18:54:02 GMT

so the performance it over...

it went really well, especially my solo. (take that ms. swarthout. hahaha)

everyone looked beautiful as always, and it was a lot of fun. when i went out to greet the audience, i heard a ton of praise and it sounded like they really enjoyed our dancing.

it was weird, but the performing part felt a lot different this time. usually i get nervous and, while i enjoy myself, i am afraid tha i'll mess up and that the audience will think that i look bad and compare me to the other girls. this time i wasn't very nervous at all once i got on stage. i actually loved it. i loved knowing they were watching me and i loved dancing for them. i felt so grateful to be able to express my love for humanity and to give my most precious gift to everyone in the audience out of my love for them. (woah! i just got UBER girl's group- not the one at school but the semi- spiritual one i'm a part of. i sound like a hippie freak... well i am in a way)

um... i have some pictures from the show (their all a little awkward b/c the photographer didn't really know when to take the picture so that he got the finished image, but thats ok) so ill try to post them at some point.

also, i stopped by that redwood party thing. i didnt like it. i think ive just grown out of my "i need to party" phase. the whole thing made me feel gross and like i was wasting my time. i just didn't want to be a ditzy drunk girl who gigles loudly, screams when she sees her friend, gets lost in the big groupage of people, get groped by some gross ghetto-esque guy she's never met, and then get vicariously pushed in the pool. besides, all there was to drink was berr, which i just cant do, and everything smelled like stale spilled beer, another thing i just cant deal with. however, i did like when the guy got pushed in the pool particualrly b/c it was my boyfriends friend who, dare i say, kind of deserved it.

my boyfriend is so cute! i love him! yay! .... (sorry, i'm done)

art of the day:

this art of the day is dedicated to one mr. buckworth ellison for an all-nighter (well, all night until 11) date w/ borders:

simon and jessica in the pool by nan goldin

from her new book devil's playground

i found her mini series in devil's playground on simon and jessica to be particularly beautiful. her newest theme is taking pictures of couple's lovemaking, which can be both beautiful, as with simon and jessica, or slightly frightening, as with all the older couples. unfortunatly i couldn't get the other images in the "simon and jessica" seires that were seeable, but it is definately worth checking out the book because they were particualrly beautiful. there are also many other interesting, complelling, and disturbing photos in the book that i really liked.

ps. feel better grant! <3

tomorrow a star will be born...

Sat, 08 May 2004 07:29:03 GMT

... i wish

tech rehearsal = hell on earth

i almost bitch slapped ms swarthout today. (naughty amanda) i was suprised at how unsupportive she can be

i broke down three times today... well i guess four

this is going to be one hell of a performance.

and, for all you anonymous commenter who like to call me ignorant:

art of the day:

some more baroque. (maybe you could start learning the trends of baroque art so that you can learn to recognize it the next time you decide to call something not baroque when it really is)

david and goliath by caravaggio

caravaggio was one of the leading figures in the baroque art movement in italy. i think his artwork is very interesting because he often used his own face in his paintings, something completely unseen in the art of his time unless in self portrait. his face is included in his paintings of bacchus, the boy with the lyre (i dont think thats the actual name), and as the head of medusa. i personally think that his work is the beginning of the shift from a focus on scenes of people and biblical scenes to art as something personal and refelxive of the self. but, i could be wrong.

for more on baroque art (cough, cough, douche who called me ignoratn, cough, cough), please visit:

http://www.huntfor.com/arthistory/c17th-18th/baroque.htm

you have been officially cultured... especially the douche who called me ignorant.

Fri, 07 May 2004 02:21:29 GMT

you know you're beginning to PMS when:

- even the thought of the "Elephant Man" gets you very teary eyed

You know you're currently PMSing when:

- almost cry at the end of the death cab concert

- you cry over an AP test and then get in a huge argument with your boyfriend about it

- you ball over the thought of a future without ava (next year) and even worse a future without your other friends and your boyfriend (the year after next).

- you get really really angry with yourself for being a bitch to jeff over lj... even though you thought he kinda deserved it

- you almost cry in ballet rehearsal because you realize its the last rehearsal in the studio before the show

- you almost cry when listening to ben kweller, and then come even closer when you have it stuck in your head at home

- you get really really angry at yourself for losing your precalc book ( that one should be a blessing)

- you almost cry because you think your cat has a tape worm

- you almost cry because your boyfriend gets mad that you forgot to tell him you were going to eat dinner before calling him to have him pick you up

- when you usually aren't as emo as the aforementioned occurences

art of the day:

its time to get baroque!

vermeer ... i dont know the name (i'm so bad w/ painting names. its sad. god i hope i dont cry)

i loved the movie "the girl with a pearl earring" or as ava and i call it "tony, george, will, ava, pete, and evelyn" (or something to that extent). it was so visually beautiful. it looked like vermeer's painting come to life. <3

consider yourself cultured.

jeff, formal lj apology. i didn't mean to call you an asshole if that's how it sounded. it just hurt my feelings...

(wow, i'm feeling emo tonight!)

P.S.:

MY PERFORMANCE IS SATURDAY! YAY! 1:00 AND 5:00 AT THE MARIN COUNTY JCC! IF YOU WISH TO SEE THE EVER LOVELY AND ALWAYS TALENTED AMANDA LOWE PERFORM HER AMAZING DANCING TRICKS, CALL THE MARIN DANCE THEATER FOR TICKETS. (NOTE: THE 1:00 PERFORMANCE IS AMANDA'S BETTER PERFORMANCE) (ALSO NOTE: I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE MADE THIS ANNOUNCEMENT A LOT EARLIER IN THE WEEK... OR MONTH. WHY AM I STILL IN CAPS?)

Sat, 01 May 2004 07:38:06 GMT

that mood is actually an unfair representation. its only b/c i got in an unnecissary fight w/ alex just now that im aggravated. before i was fine.

anthony (pilatese master magician) + darcie (sports therapy kid wonder) = slightly more motivated and much more optimistic amanda

as the exponent of anthony and the exponent of darcie increase, both amanda's motivation and optimism should increase accordingly.

is it so wrong to feel insecure? why is it that calling alex to ask how he feels about our relationship (esp. considering i haven't had a decent conversation with him all week, he was really upset at the beginning of the week and took it out on me- apologizing later for it of course, and asked me the same question just last sunday if i have my days right) makes him assume that i am mad and am never ok with things being good and yells into the phone as though i am yelling at him?

i shouldn't have just posted that. he is not an asshole, don't get defensive and try to back me up please.

oh, and on that subject...

this weeks wonder comment from jeff jew:

yesterday, jeff jew told me that my boyfriend was an asshole because jeff claims he overheard alex say some mean things to people at a party of mine once. now jeff, isn't that just a touch hypacritical?

art of the day:

today's art of the day is dedicated to my history project + doug woodbrown who is indeed leaving our school next year. * single tear for reals*

vaca by andy warhol

known to many by his infamous motifs (celebrities, car wrecks, sex, brand names/products, remixes of other peoples art work, and more) andy is often not considered an artist by his peers... including my father. a leading figure of both pop art and the use of the silk screen (i know, ava!), andy proved that an artist need not be invested in his art in order to make it and please his audience, which was much the way he felt about the mass media of the 1960s. his careless inkings, uneven layerings of color, and repetition of images was only his reproduction of what he felt about the news and the media in the 60's : bombarded. hmm... not much has changed...

perhaps i should have put pessamistic or sarcastic... or sadistically sarcastic as my mood.

i accept the volta as my personal savior

Thu, 22 Apr 2004 05:18:28 GMT

yeah, so i hate boys. i thought i was ove "it" but it turns out i'm not. it sucks. i just found out that "it" likes bright eyes. i was hoping bright eyes could be my sacred music w/ out any of "it"'s influence, just something for me and alex, but i guess not. god fucking damn it! i hate this so much! he needs to go away so i can stop doubting myself about who i am and about who i'm with! fuck!

the art of the day is in keeping w/ the theme above as well as the unwanted theme of jesus in my life.

my moment of the day with jesus:

so i was sitting in the dressing room w/ a couple of the girls from ballet and we were talking about one of our dances. jesse, who is dancing the part of Blanca, a light dance dressed all in white, said that she talked to our teacher who choreographed it and the teacher said that Blanca was supposed to be the bride and the virginal one. jesse said that made sense and that the other parts are more sultry. of course the girls continued the conversation saying that blanca was the pure on and the others were sinners. at the end of the dance we all kneel on the floor and the part of blanca ends with her arm up looking up while everyone else kinda lies down. this is the best part of the conversation! one of the girls, stacia, said that blanca ends up and says "i'm married and pure and you all are going to hell!" they all laughed! i couldn't speak.

i have anxiety dreams that the girls at ballet will find out im not a virgin and hate me and tried to exorcise and show me "the way to jesus". i actually had one last night...

i almost screamed! how fucking ignorant of them. i feel like they say things like that particualarly when i'm around to try to convince me that i need to go to church.

i did get a good laugh out of it when i told my friend elizabeth about it. she yelped and was in shock for like 2 minutes until we both burst out laughing. and i just kept saying "they can never find out, elizabeth. they can never find out."

i love hiding myself from people.

so, thank you jesus, but most importantly christianity, for being the constatnt reminder that i can never be as close as i wish i could to those girls.

art of the day:

there's actually 2 today. one in honor of ballet and one for "it"

both paintings are the brilliant works of salvator dali. im sorry but i don't know the names of either. his work is so powerful because of the realistic images set in a surreal world.

this art of the day brought to you by "it", ava, and the mars volta who made me laugh at "it".

manda is an unmotivated existencialist who needs as attitude adjustment

Wed, 21 Apr 2004 07:04:31 GMT

today was very emotionally draining. i don't think i could possibly vent or speak about my feelings anymore, not even on my lj. not only did i have an appointment w/ my therapist, i also had like 2 long ass ballet talks with my parents. phew, i need to sleep.

dont pay attention to this, its a thing i have to do for therapy:

mission statement/ self affrimation

I dance because it allows me to be myself; to explore my body and my self. Dance connects me to the universe while releasing me from the insecurities, constraints, and walls of life. Dancing bring me life, frees me, allows me to love myself. Through dance I am able ti fully experience the love of the universe, within and without me.

sorry bout that.

art of the day:

the kiss, by Rodin. Rodin is best known for his statue of the thinker, but i personally found this to be more beautiful and moving. If you get the chance to see it in person, it is amazing.

consider yourself cultured.

more amazing moments in spring break history (i forgot a couple.got too wraped up in open mic story)

Mon, 19 Apr 2004 03:35:39 GMT

thursday, april 15:

i went to the farmer's market w/ amanda (no, not me amanda) and her friends summer, molly, and megan. i ran into an old friend jess and then in a whirlwind like 50 people (well really 3) out of my past came up to us as we spoke. first, matt lewis, who i was friends w/ and had a huge crush on way back in the day. then hunter, my old best friend's ex-boyfriend, who then invited over my ex-boyfriend from like 8th grade. it was so intense. i got really overwhelmed b/c i was like mid sentence. they all watched me while i was talking. i felt like a zoo monkey. ee! ee!

we then went to an sr party. it was amazing. not only were we singing 2Gether drunk on the way there, but we also dance partied it up at the party w/ both yeah by usher and hey mama by black eyed peas. and you know i did the weird fast booty wiggle that the girls from black eyed peas does through out the entire video. we had a rocking good time. summer is some funny shit.

you plus sign me equals sign us

U + ME = US

friday, april 16:

sofia and i went to see Kill Bill Vol. 2. we had fun. but i think the most amazing part had to be going to 711. we stood @ my car for like 10 minutes while i tried to find my keys to unlock the doors. a man walked over to sofia, he was obviously intoxicated, and asked her "hey! did i meet you tonight?" and she was like "what?! no!" *smile* then he walked over to his friend at the pay phone (i found my keys at this point) and talked to him. they walked down the street (i started up the car) and the 1st drunk guy fell over. as we passed them in my car, the friend stood in the middle of the road w/ a come hither motion in his hand. i think he thought we were a hooker taxi.

-fin-

amazing moments in spring break history

Sun, 18 Apr 2004 21:34:54 GMT

monday, april 12:

i got stoned with alex and his punk ass friend D. we sat in alex's car and listened to the volta for 20 minutes. i love that cd with every inch of my being but it wasn't until this night that i fully experienced it. it was great.

wednesday, april 14 (aka most amazing night EVER):

this was the most intesnse night of my life. it was a complete culmination of all the things i hate and love beacuase i hate them.

i sat in aroma cafe waiting for alex to get out of the bathroom. there was a man of middle eastern discent siiting in front of me in one of the many comfy chairs strategically placed around the room. he was cute, but had an awful unibrow. he kept looking at me. im sure i blushed. he was reading from a book with arabic letters on it and taking notes.

my attention was deffered by a loud conversation between two men to the left of me. they too were sitting in comfy chairs. one man looked as though he had just woken up. he was in his 20s and wore a flannel jacket with grey sweatpants. his partner in crim was a blonde older man, i would say 30 something, and wore a suite. the suite wasn't fitting; he seemed uncomfortable in it. he crossed his left leg over his right so that one foot rested on opposing knee. the bottom of the pantleg was torn like an old pair of jeans. he must had a crappy job but wanted to look like he was doing something important with his life. perhaps he had just gone to and interview. he said "yeah, i've been writting some, but it comes in spurts you know. this thing has been helping me though."

"i know what you mean," said the grey sweatpants wearing philosopher. "i usually get in to zone though and just write..." he paused. the jobless (well, i bet they're both "between jobs") man made and awkward bolt for a table in front of them. there was a manilla folder with an unorganized pile of papers in it. he pulled out some blank lined paper and scribbled something onto it. the paper was passed the the philosopher. he responded with something on the paper and said "that was nice man." the paper was passed back and forth. i lost interest as alex came out of the bathroom.

i got up to get alex some icecubes for his tea and as i passed the table behind us i noticed both men were intesely focused. i looked down on the table. there, before my eyes was a rivetting game of Magice, the Gathering. i was in utter shock.

as i returned to the table, the jobless sloppy man left and the young philosopher began rearranging the comfy chairs and couches. people began filling in, sitting expectantly on the new arrangement. i instantly noticed the chunky bald middleaged man dressed fully in black with dork rimmed glasses and the girl with black hair, skirt, tights, and converse who was trying to hid in her red sweatchirt and was bouncing off the walls. " what is going on?" i asked alex. he could only shrug.

then, as a sign from god, grey sweatpants boy place both a microphone and an amp on a table and said "test, 1, 2, test." and i knew deep in my soul what this unusual gathering was. an open mic.

the blad man designated himself as mr. mc and started the night off reading his new age, moonlit, foresty, thorny, chalicy poetry. next came the bouncy girl, introduced to us as an amazing poet by mr. new age mc. and, as i guessed, she read her mellodramatic repetative teen girl poetry, trying hard to sound cryptic and wise beyond her years. then, the moment i was waiting for came and passed quickly. grey sweatpants walked up to the mic, introduced himself and stood there, staring at the floor. he mouthed something to himself, and, in bewilderment, said "im not ready, can someone else go please. its not time yet." he sat down in a chair in the corner, sulking a bit.

at that time alex had had about enough.

"amanda," he said, "i can't take this. that girl is driving me crazy and this poetry is crap." (we were thinking the same thing.) "can we go?"

we left aroma, and i was a little sad. but i will never forget that there is open mic every wed. at aroma.

art for the day (as in response to seth's lyric of the day)

i had a hard time picking this one, especially considering i couldn't find the painting i wanted originally... nor the photograph. but here you go. (i love this one too.)

you have been cultured.

where's alex?

Wed, 07 Apr 2004 08:05:16 GMT

i have spent the past 20 min. trying to find alex b's (f.) lj, but have found nothing. please help. i miss her dearly and need to talk to her about special ed people/stuff.

alex (m.) tried to read my lj today. it was really awful. i practically had to wrestle him away from the computer before he got to my entry where i posted about my ex- still to be unnamed fetal crush. (dude, what the hell is it w/ me and fetuses. the other day i called my friend julai one. i was also not all there and me vision was impared, but she did look like one. i hope i didnt offend her. i think she was too busy laughing.) it was scary. im getting paranoid. i might make this frineds only. hell, who the fuck am i kidding? no one reads my lj anyways.

i'v decided that i want to dress like im from the 50s every day. perhaps its that ive seen grease like 4 times in the past week, thanks to VH1, or TL's swing dance, or my rediscovery of my vintage dresses, but i feel so womanly when i dress like i have curves. hmm... perhaps i shall try. besides, nothing is hotter than a pin-up.

lets see... i tried to draw mushrooms for our first srg. sparkle fetus line, but im afriad they just look like a clumb of penii. im afraid people will be like "oh, its cute. but do i really want a penis shirt?" that would be bad.

yeah, so i need to go to bed and this post was half assed. if poepl actually read my lj, i might be more inspired to write good posts, but i feel uninteresting as of late. i will bitch about ballet soon enough, there's just too much about that area right now that i can't process anything.

-fin-

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 06:20:43 GMT

for ava:

i went to wallgreens this evening and they were playing no song other than "midnight at the oasis." it was just as bad as the soulsilito version.

mulholland drive is really getting to me. there was this older man standing outside of wallgreens (above mentioned trip) and he looked like the troll yeti man, only not brown. his hair was long and all tangled. it was creepy. he watched me walk to my car and watched me drive away.... ok, so it was 11:00, i was alone, and i have been thinking about the movie alot, so i probably just made up that he was creepy and im sure he was only watching me b/c i was watching him... im just weirded out.

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 07:25:33 GMT

today has been an odd one, leaving me to feel not really anything. empty. but not sad im so depressed empty. just empty.

i went to the city w/ a couple of girls from ballet. we were going to see serenade but we missed it. it was my fault, and i know they knew it, but neither mentioned that i was late to meeting them. the entire time i was with them i just felt... nothing. i guess i had fun, i couldn't really tell you. just nothing. and when i came home, it felt like nothing had happened; like it was some sort of empty dream.

i finished mulholland drive tonight. i didnt understand it at all. but i loved it, in a twisted way. well, i feel like part of me understands it. when i think about the troll with the blue box, i feel an understanding. however, there was so much symbolism left unexplained. i tried to find explainations online, but no one gave a sufficient analysis, leaving me with questions. :

like, why does the troll appear to the crazy dream man in the beginning and then have the blue box in the end as well as appear in the very end when diane dies? and who was the crazy dream man? (im sorry that picture is so big... its a little gross)

and, is the movie a reflection of betty/diane or of rita/diane/camilla? why were they lesbians?

who is he, why is he so feeble yet have so much power, and why is he always so alone?

why does this camilla kiss the real/second camilla in the end? and why do they force adam to cast her?

what was the whole club silencio thing? why were they crying? why did betty have a seizure? why did the singer die? why did this woman reappear at the very end? what is the obvious significance of the color blue?

is david lynch insane or a genius? was this just his free artistic expression, unveiling some unconciousness, without having an actual explaination for any of the symbolism except that it's what he felt?

i dont think i can find pictures for the rest of my questions. i read a lot of stuff about it being some betty/diane freudian dream thing, but i think there's more to it than that. maybe i need to see more lynch movies. i dont know.

i really liked it however. when i think particulalry about the singer in club silencio and the blue box, i feel like i have some sort of understanding. it kind of scares me.

the unmentionables.

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 03:48:50 GMT

im proud of my brain. i found out that i might have post traumatic stress disorder. not legally, but...

mere mentioned times w/ the unmentionables (ie: my ex-boyfrind and her semi ex-boyfriend/ my ex-boyfriend's friend) and i didn't remember it. thank you psychology for erasing bits of my memory that aren't worth remembering. now, if only i could forget all of the end of freshmen year up to the beginning of sophomore year and completely erase the unmentionables, that would be amazing!

-fin-

Realizations of the week, since i havent posted in a long time

Thu, 01 Apr 2004 19:46:47 GMT

so, my week has been rather uneventful. iv'e been so busy this week, but i'm not really sure with what. i guess iv'e had a lot on my mind. it is currently E block.

firstly, i think my secret crush has ended. after reading a certain convo, i've decided that he's annoyingly pretentious yet in complete denial of his surroundings and how his surroundings reflect his lifestyle. i'm afraid to say too much more, cinsidering he has an lj. besides, i already have a boyfriend who is a hell of a lot more realistic and is not a pathetic mass of embryo.

secondly, after seeing netherlands dans theater, i think i have a new found motivation. well, i don't know if i'd call it motivation, but at least a new sense that i was born to dance. in ways i feel destined. its kinda nice.

thirdly, and similar to the above statemants, i'm beginning to have a newfound interest in school. (?) what the hell? i guess now that i don't have to apply to college or have to worry about gettin into college, i can focus more on the things that actually interest me in school instead of worrying all the time. plus, if i do badly, it doesn't really matter.

fourthly, i recieved two letters on tuesday from my friends in louisianna who i visited last summer. one from my actual friend jaime and the other from her really hot, funny, and amazing yet sadly very baptist frind coleman. i was literally giggling outloud while i read it. luckily i was alone in my house. oh swoon. i hope they come to visit me this summer. i think im going to send jaime all these emo pictures of things around the bay area for them to look forward to seeing. oh my god i love coleman. oh my god i am such a fucking girl.

fifthly, aves and i are beginning our first steps toward full fetal realization. we are going to put wholesale orders inn soon for clothes that we can "silk screen" on. we've both been comming up with all these exciting ideas. plus, we'rw going to britex hopefully next week to get fabric! yes.

spring break is next week. i can alost taste the partial freedom. and it tastes like my mouth after i've eaten m and ms.

can you feel the glory of spring? i sure can.

Mon, 29 Mar 2004 06:24:48 GMT

this one will be brief, but i feel i must add:

tonight was the 3rd time in one week i have seen the hot indie boy. i hope its a sign.

i changed my bandages (and washed my hands for the first time in 2 days) tonight. the ring finger on my left hand is like one big blister. its yummy.

alex and i opened the joint up today. it has like dried grass in it. we think its a fake that someone was trying to pass off as real. the only question is: who's dealing drugs in my bedroom?

ive officially decided that i am going to be a principle dancer and nothing's going to stop me.

oh, i also officially decided that i should have gotten my vicadin perscription filled instead of using up the rest of my mom's. i enjoyed it a little too much.

bubble fingers

Sun, 28 Mar 2004 08:07:43 GMT

hmm... i haven't posted in a long time. well, what happened this week, amanda? not much amanda?

here's my weekend+:

thursday helgi tommasson, the artistic director from SFB, came to watch the dance the mr. gibbs choreagraphed. i should have been nervous, but i was unusually calm. i think all my worrying is gone. im not kidding. he didn't even scare me. usually i would be like "omg, helgi's going to hate me and i'm never going to get a job." but it ended up being like "aw, he's so quite. hello, old man." i havent even been nervous for the SATs, which ended up not happening (you'll find out later). and when i woke up friday for school, i didn't dread school. i was just indifferent to it and at ease. i've been really relaxed since then.

friday- this day was really exciting!

had ballet until 8:30, then went home and got all excited b/c my mom wasnt home and alex was comming over. i heated up wax to wax my legs and spilled it on my hands! woohoo! everyone loves a 2nd degree burn! its was the event of the night. alex was actually really amazing. i felt like i was having labor pains and he was my husband. ok, nows my moment to swoon over my boyfriend. here goes: swooooon! i love him. im so lucky.

saturday- ballet to the extreme

i missed the SATs b/c i went to bed at 3:00 in the morning due to my bubbly fingers. (ew, that was gross. im sorry.) ballet was okay today. im kinda hopped up vicadin today... it was perscribed to me, dont worry. its kinda nice. tonight was netherlands dans theater night. oh my lord! they are so amazing. they were so fluid and beautiful. i loved it so much. lets all move to amsterdam.

i feel so inspired. i never thought that what i wanted to choreograph was actually possible. i wana dance like them. oh my god! i need to calm down. finger pain.

tomorrow is homework time and then benefit party for MDT. yay.

this post was boring. whatevs. i dont really have anything else to write. hmm... ok. i give up. goodbye. i will write something interesting later.

P.S. i found a joint that looks like its been pressed in a book like a flower under my computer. the funny thing is, i've never smoked a joint before. i wonder whos it is. either alex's, who spent the night last night after our trip to the emergency room, or my sister's, who borrowed my lap top while she was here. hmmm... i shall have to investigate further.

ok, so i wasn't grossed out enough..

Tue, 23 Mar 2004 06:32:06 GMT

yeah, i forgot somethings from the post below. i guess i wasn't disturbed enough to stay away.

1) i saw the hot indie boy from my thai today. oh god, he makes me faint. he was weraing a castro hat, which i have been searching all over for one for myself, btw.

2) mr.gibbs told my mom i have better technique than jesse(?) he must be on something...

3)NDT is this saturday! im really excited. i hope they're good.

4) i need new music to listen to. i need to go music shopping.

whack weekend followed by whack monday

Tue, 23 Mar 2004 06:01:11 GMT

let' s see. this weekend was very, well, was a mix between anti-climactic and very climactic (oo! orgasm! no.)

i saw eternal sunshine of the spotless mind w/ alex on friday. i think it may have replaced lost in translation as my favorite movie. it was so sweet and real. i have a new found respect for jim carrey. plus, is it weird that he makes a hot semi-emo guy?

went to a pt. reyes party on saturday complete w/ a great ride up there from jeffe. it was kinda weirdish. i had fun at times and none at others. lots of san deminico girls... the cops came, which sucked, but we didnt get busted. us 4 ma kids were like the only ones who dance, but it was really fun. and then jeff, me and this guy all started screaming the "way away" lyrics by yellowcard. it was so funny. then, there was an amazing music circle in which the same guy played a bunch of brand new songs on the guitar and jeff and i sang along. it was really amazing. but it mistakenly provoked this really drunk ghetto guy. aves and i put away all the knives in the kitchen b/c we were scared he might kill someone. there was one really annoying girl,also, who talked all the time really loudly. bah. cheers to shane.

sunday, aves and i brainstormed up all these clothes that we can make and sell. it was really great. i cant disclose too much information because i might be killed, but i will say that there may be fetuses involved in the line. we went to sf to find materials but everywhere we wanted to go was closed. except for diesel, which is never closed just to spite me. god, so hot. i loved all their clothes. they gave us great ideas. oh, im so excited! i need to craft!

today i was still recovering from saturday, since i got no sleep. my allergies are bad and make me drowsy and i've eaten very little. i feel really out of it. plus, i found out i got a C in the quarter for l'histoire. no sweat, though. the semester grade is accumulative. i just hope the parents don't flip out. bah. i need sleep.

richard gibbs just called me. we all need a mini him in our pockets.

i saw yellowcard on trl this evening. they were at #7. im sad. i they're going to leave me.

oo! late night sex anyone? i think alex is snaeking over tonight. (yay!)

google image search: fetus

for some reason, i've been really liking fetuses. i dunno. i think they're really cute.so innocent and vulnerable. i dunno, fetuses make me feel hopeful and cheery. i know, i'm a freak, but really, just see for yourself:

holy shit!

oh god! im really sad now! :( i cant go on. i feel like i had more in mind to write, but now im just really really sad. god, im so glad i dont live in north korea, no matter how much i like communism (well, in theory). i need to go. thats just too upsetting especially when added to my yellowcard betrayl. im sorry for posting it.

Fri, 19 Mar 2004 07:27:59 GMT

i felt like i needed to post but don't quite know what to say. i wish i had something interesting to say. hm...

had a long convo w/ my mom about school and ballet and shit (yes, another one!) and i think we've decided that i dont have to apply to college next year, as long as i get a degree from ma and take the sats. thats pretty cool b/c i dont really care about school right now anyways. its a big weight off my shoulders.

god! today was one of those days where i felt like i should just leave mdt, give up performing for a year, and train hardcore w/ maria vegh until im ready to audtition. i just always think about how much i would improve if i did that. it would be insane. i love her by the way. she is really intimidationg but so brilliant and knowledgeable about ballet that it scares me. its really exciting to be taught by her; it feels like you have all the answers to any ballet problem you could possibly have.

it was too hot for me to have patience w/ modern class today, so i skipped it. i know... tisk tisk tisk amanda. but it was nice. i drove around w/ both windows down (my air conditioning is broken) and blasting justin timberlake. i know... tisk tisk tisk amanda. but hes good. no musical genius, but good music to dance too. plus, in the heat w/ the wind blowing through my hair as i drove on the curvy rodes of china camp, it made me feel really sexy. like a woman. oh justin.

i love alex, by the way. i hate that i doubt him and us so much, but i really do love him. i always forget how good of friends we are and how much he means to me until it smaks me in the face. he came over last night. it felt so good to just be stupid and childish w/ him. he looks really good on my bed and lying on my floor, like he fits there or something. we're going to see eternal sunshine of the spotless mind tomorrow. i hope its good considering i've been watching lost in translation way too much.

so i dont really know anything else interesting to write about. its late so my mind isnt really working. oo! i do want to post this picture that i will hopefully be painting onto a swaetshirt soon:

i think its supposed to be a chicken fetus, or at least thats what im hoping. once i was making cupcakes and i craked an egg into the batter (it was the kind from the box so it takes like only water and eggs to make) and there was a baby chicken fetus in the egg. filled with curiosity, i looked at it really closly. it was red and was developing a little beak, little eyes, and a nubbin where its tail feathers would be. it was gross but kinda cute. it was weird to see the neginnings of life frozen in place. aww. i miss you, chicken fetus.

thats all. i think i need sleep based on the insane ramblings that are happening right now.

p.s. alex & i need to take advantage of the weather and go to the beach, listening to yellowcard, yes yellowcard on the drive (its an inside thing that cant be explained).

p.p.s. meredith is really good at photoshop. i'm not at liberty to say why, but i can say that she can do a lot w/ a picture of a hairless cat.

Tue, 16 Mar 2004 20:23:25 GMT

i got this from leise. like hers, it sounds a lot like me... maybe a little too much.

http://www.okcupid.com/personality?type=RGLM&g=2&o=1&h=157